I was writing someone an email when I understood there’s another essential moment to capture in my Journal talking about Tovana. So, I make a copy-paste of the relevant abstract:
… Or is it a part of karma, so it means I have to bear it all my life and will always have to deal with it?
I know that sometimes it is hard for others to have me as a leader… although some admire this quality in me… I personally, am confused already about my attitude to my strength.
It’ss funny: a friend of mine who also seeks for self development brought me once to a training called kind of… managerial battle. It is when there is a simple daily situation that can happen to anyone in life where people need to “fight” (argue) for their interests to find a solution to a challenging situation. So two people read the situation and make a spontaneous dialogue according to the story just read where they express and train their leading and managerial skills. And then the tutor “judges” their behavior and tells them how they should behave to be more effective in their dialogues to achieve their aims.
So I came to the first session, where I tried “the game” (pretty much intended to depict real life), and I understood that I did not want to fight for my interests, I wanted to stay peaceful for my interests: to be polite, not to interrupt, not to get angry when my interlocutor called me bad names or showed bad temper to me…. And I kind of lost the battle.., lost in the meaning of the entitled framework of pushiness and self-assertiveness, and looking cool for others – in that very situation according to the opinion of most other attendees I failed.
However, for myself I was pretty happy to have trained some milder qualities. It was a weird feeling to be seen by everyone else as a “loser” (I put in quotation marks, cause it actually implied neither that meaning nor feeling, however my votes collected less supporters in the given framework) but to experience feelings completely dis-attached from that “label”. In my own eyes I felt a winner to have stood stably calm through a real battle with an interlocutor attacking me in her emotions. And it was curious to listen to the tutor’s comments afterwards to see what he has to say from his professional side.
I really feel I have developed and practiced in life my leadership more than enough in addition to the original skills granted to me by nature.
And I need and I WANT to learn and develop my obeyance, my ability to cede, my humbleness to let things happen, let others make mistakes when I know something better and push it forwards…
So I have never come to those sessions again, although I agree they are truly smart tool for leadership skills development.
However for myself I realize that I badly need a training for anti-leadership.